@KeetPotato

[tied up by the mafia]
any last requests?
“yes, let me go”
[still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]

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@LittleMissAngr1

Hair Stylist: *massaging my scalp* how does that feel?

Me: I would crawl through broken glass for you

Hair Stylist: what?

Me: what?

@Sephira

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

@Donna_McCoy

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

@rebrafsim

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

@PhilLaysheO

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

@shwebby3

Clean and jerk is a weight lifting term?

Oh… *Tosses tissues in the trash*

@Pirate_nurse

Don’t forget to put everybody before her so she has no clue whether you really give a shit or not