My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
You Might Also Like
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…