Dear God, thank you for not giving spiders wings.
[tied up by the mafia]
any last requests?
“yes, let me go”
[still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]
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Hair Stylist: *massaging my scalp* how does that feel?
Me: I would crawl through broken glass for you
Hair Stylist: what?
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Clean and jerk is a weight lifting term?
Oh… *Tosses tissues in the trash*
Don’t forget to put everybody before her so she has no clue whether you really give a shit or not