Tier 3 meme
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I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Called it
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol