Tier 3 meme
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Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.