Tier 3 meme
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“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”