*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
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ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”