*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
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[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Snapes on a plane.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
