Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

ㅤ

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture