Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

Trying

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

Which wines pair best with gloating?

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please