Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
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Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Miscakes
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?