Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
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The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Before crowbars crows drank alone
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.