Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
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I hate celery. 🤮🥴
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
Steam Forums
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
That’s easy for you to say
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.