Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
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TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
PARKOUR
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
We have a winner.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.