Tiger Woods: Nobody could screw up their career the way I did last weekend.

Kathy Griffin: Hold my beer.

Bill Maher: Mind if I join you?

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“‘There is no ‘I’ in team!” *Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam*


“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.


Fun Game:
1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park.
2. Poke stranger on the shoulder.
3. Whisper, “I think we’re being watched…”


My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.


A bug zapper, but for people trying to come into my office.


Couldn’t eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.


Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit


J.K. Rowling: “Theres actually a goat with Harry Potter the entire time, its just never mentioned or does anything.”


I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.


*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*