@TEN_GOP

Tiger Woods: Nobody could screw up their career the way I did last weekend.

Kathy Griffin: Hold my beer.

Bill Maher: Mind if I join you?

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@sageboggs

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

@FullGrownChris

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

@carlyken

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

@nickmullen

I’m not religious but I’m spiritual, which means I think the mothman prophecy is real and I don’t feel bad about shoplifting

@ruinedpicnic

me:(nervously) so I gotta fight one of these things?
zookeeper: what? no
me: I choose…the polar bear
zookeeper: why would you choose that

@DivorceDad

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.