Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
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Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license