Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Tiger Woods: Nobody could screw up their career the way I did last weekend.
Kathy Griffin: Hold my beer.
Bill Maher: Mind if I join you?
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I have performance enhancing shrugs.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Me: I’m happy right now. Life: lol, one sec bro
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I’m not religious but I’m spiritual, which means I think the mothman prophecy is real and I don’t feel bad about shoplifting
me:(nervously) so I gotta fight one of these things?
zookeeper: what? no
me: I choose…the polar bear
zookeeper: why would you choose that
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.