Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

It kinda feels like this rn

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

Cannot stop laughing at this

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo