*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
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Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Finally!
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.