Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

“Done the ad yet?”

“Yes, it’s already up.”

“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”

“More or less”

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

Donating blood today to make room for more food

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no