Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

Why is no one talking about this?!

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.

That’s why… not cause he was right or anything

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

I bet birds love this building.

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

Wedding planning is organized crime.

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]