Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

This line from Airplane.

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

this has to be peak English

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…