Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
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Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
i’m gonna allow it
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.