Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
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Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.