Tik Tok is a national treasure.
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Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school