Tik Tok is a national treasure.
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In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album