Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
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doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
motivation
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?