Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
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Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?