Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

Damn he played himself

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.

The office holiday party is next week.

Coincidence?

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.