Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

My first child will be named New Folder.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”