Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
You Might Also Like
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.