Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away

Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.