Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
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i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.