Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

kitchen magnet

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”