Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?
Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
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[knock at door]
Cop: open up, it’s the police
Me [doing an Estonian accent]: I’m not here
Cop: are you in Estonia?
Me: I am. I’m in Estonia
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Just did a spot on imitation of a new born calf while trying to gracefully exit a hammock.
What’s being in love feel like? You know when someone cancels plans you wanted to cancel anyway? Almost as good as that.
Harper Lee: This is the worst writer’s block I’ve ever had
Mockingbird: Oh big surprise you stupid idiot
Harper Lee: *eyes narrowing*
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.