@Angibangie

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

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@Darlainky

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

@david8hughes

[knock at door]
Cop: open up, it’s the police
Me [doing an Estonian accent]: I’m not here
Cop: are you in Estonia?
Me: I am. I’m in Estonia

@MicheleAKALips

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

@One_FineMess

Just did a spot on imitation of a new born calf while trying to gracefully exit a hammock.

@KevinFarzad

What’s being in love feel like? You know when someone cancels plans you wanted to cancel anyway? Almost as good as that.

@GrahamKritzer

Harper Lee: This is the worst writer’s block I’ve ever had

Mockingbird: Oh big surprise you stupid idiot

Harper Lee: *eyes narrowing*

@thepunningman

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

@TheTweetOfGod

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

@maurajbg

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.