[canadians at you, canadianly]
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Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
step 6: release the wall snake
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.