Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*uses Ouija board*

ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ

getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”

So I took his Visa

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

Kids are funny:

8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”

4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often