Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Finished stitching this today 😇
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Cat is stressing him out.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
