Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
I am going to be nice from now on. Yes, I will be nice.
Right after this exorcism?
I will be nice.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
