Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

you gotta be faster

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…