@EJGomez

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

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@chrisdowning

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

@Shenaniglenns

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on

@mbnels

Tech guy says: “When in doubt reboot. ” Okay, I’ve rebooted but i still don’t see how my boots have ANYTHING to do with a computer.

@Love_bug1016

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

@tastefactory

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

@brookeoslin

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

@jonnysun

JESUS: today im going to walk on water
JUDAS: NO DONT–
[jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]

@aksorojas

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”