@EJGomez

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

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@Prero22

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

@Cpin42

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

@kibblesmith

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

@_ElvishPresley_

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

@david8hughes

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

@DannyZuker

Daughter is acting so rude I’m not sure she’s even mine. Think my wife may have cheated on me with YouTube’s comments section.

@DrunksWithGuns

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

@dooce

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

@onedogsopinion

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.