*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
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There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.