Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.