Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
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It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eelsI didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
As per my last nervous breakdown
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys