Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
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partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I’ve had relationships like this
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
m’lady
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it