Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind