Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
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They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
😂 amazing answer
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
The future is now.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot