Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
You Might Also Like
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.