Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

Money is the root of all wealth

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.