Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
You Might Also Like
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
