Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”

Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

*files a restraining order against reality*

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running