Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

robber: be cool this is a robbery

me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.