Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

🤣