Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
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I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
the composer
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
kitchen magnet
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.