It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
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I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
My friend’s toddler babbled “don’t forget to subscribe” as he was put to bed. Kid watches so much YouTube he thought it means “goodbye”
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
You know she loves you when you wakeup in a pool of ice in the motel room bathtub with only one kidney removed.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.