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ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”