Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

these can’t be my only options

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons