time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
You Might Also Like
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Just why bro?!
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit