Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

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10. He is a cat.

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

me 2 months after i graduated

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)