time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
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left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Covid like
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3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.