Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people were born into their job.

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

ew if literal: let me be clear

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.