Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
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My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My dog learned how to text
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.