*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
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You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.