“time flies” then why the hell is it still January bro
You Might Also Like
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
They did not miss in the small print
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
why no one uses midhusbands
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg