Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
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ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I have obtained a hat
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus