HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Time flies when a falcon steals your wristwatch.
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Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Test your friendship today by liking and retweeting all the replies to a friend, but not their original tweet.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I’ll be honest, it scares the crap out of me that you guys will be homeschooling your kids.
Coworker: I like working with you. I feel like I can really talk to you
Me: I’m sorry I gave you that impression. That’s not correct
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.