@JermHimselfish

Time flies when a falcon steals your wristwatch.

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@QwertyJones3

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

@psybermonkey

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

@BrownDogBlanket

Test your friendship today by liking and retweeting all the replies to a friend, but not their original tweet.

@AmishPornStar1

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.

@dafloydsta

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

@mamba_bad

I’ll be honest, it scares the crap out of me that you guys will be homeschooling your kids.

@msbtx

Coworker: I like working with you. I feel like I can really talk to you

Me: I’m sorry I gave you that impression. That’s not correct

@capnmcfword

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

@mydmac

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

@Bob_Janke

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.