@JermHimselfish

Time flies when a falcon steals your wristwatch.

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@thepaulasuzanne

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

@_GrahamPatrick

PARTY GUEST: So, how did you two meet?
HUSBAND: Oh, it’s a bit of a fairytale, right darling?
[wife is clearly a wolf in a dress]
WIFE: Yes.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Him:Dude, I went on one of those police ride alongs with my friend..it was awesome! You ever done that?
Me: In the front or back of the car?

@PattyArquette

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

@wickedimproper

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

@AmericanGent69

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

@AZHORSEMOM77

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying