Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
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Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
oh you like architecture? name three walls
i hope my email finds you on fire
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.