Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
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The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it