Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
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of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Truly one of the great bangers
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa