Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.