Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help

Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!