Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.

You can’t outrun your problems…

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

I feel attacked.

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

Pick up, table two

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”