Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.

“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

ATMs should have breathalyzers

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.