Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
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I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Doctors texting each other.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?