Time for evil
You Might Also Like
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
This is why I hate group projects
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside