Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
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My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
