Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”