Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
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*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos